Cry

I clicked on a Pinterest recipe last night and the link led to porn.

I immediately hit the home button, clearing the screen, and threw my e-reader tablet away from me and onto the floor. I got up, trembling, needing to physically move away from that place. Matt looked up from his computer game. I told him and tried to push past into the other room, but he grabbed me and held me and I cried.

It had been one of those days where I'd been on the verge of tears all day but had managed to keep it together. I kept it together through church, some work frustrations, an emotional small group meeting, money problems, etc. Sometimes on days like that I'll watch a sad movie or something that allows me to cry without anyone knowing the real cause. Sometimes the day will end with the heavy ache still present, no tears shed. But yesterday the tears flowed for a real reason and combined with tears for other reasons that had been held back all day.

I calmed down and he let me go and I went to the other room and cried again. Tears of fear, heartbreak, weariness. Tears of not knowing what's next, not knowing how to surpass an obstacle, not knowing peace. Tears at knowing something and being unable to say it. Just tears. 

That was probably the worst imaginable trigger to actually get me crying, but it brought relief to cry. To just cry and cry and cry.