Tiny dreams

We have a big dream to do something small.

Several months ago I came across a documentary on Netflix about people who build and live in "tiny houses," which are ridiculously small yet fully functioning homes (we're talking under 200 square feet on average). I started watching it and Matt joined me a few minutes later. We were both struck with how doable it seemed, and how much it could potentially lower our cost of living. Thus, we began to dream.

I have heard many definitions of what a tiny house truly is: some say it must be under 400 square feet, some 1200; some insist that it must be mobile, some that it must be off-the-grid, some that pure salvaged material is the only way to go. For us, we have taken bits and pieces from many ideas and begun to forge our own.

Here is our dream: a plot of land on which we can build a small, two story house about 600-700 square feet total. Living area and kitchen on the first floor, study and bedroom above. Large porch. Large windows. Ability to expand as the future dictates. Patio and garden space in the yard. An exterior shed/garage to hold extra storage and a second fridge/deep freeze, etc. Lots of space to breathe, no longer having to share walls with too-close neighbors (as we have done for the past 6 years). Lower utility bills due to living in a smaller space.

If we can get the right financing, we could buy and build for a fraction of a the cost of a traditionally-sized home. Right now our financing dreams have been temporarily shot down, as the loan options we have pursued are very strict and would not let us build on our own. Building on our own - with as much help as possible from my dad, who has built both of my family's homes - is a huge part of our plan and not something we want to sacrifice. It also sounds like we'd have to have a sizable down payment, and that is not feasible for us right now. Right now our down payment is zero. Less than zero. Savings account? What's that?

 I know there is a long list of new responsibilities that come with owning a home, but renting is draining after so long. I struggle with doing everything I can to make our home beautiful while facing the limitations of a lease. I enjoy decorating and adding cosmetic touches, but there are so many bigger, more basic tasks that I would love to accomplish. I get sad looking at the peeling exterior paint and crumbling siding, but am encouraged by looking the flower beds we planted, the simple but pretty patio furniture, the flourishing vegetable garden. We care about how our home looks, and we do what we can with what we have, and that makes me happy.

Somehow, if we can find the money to get started, we will accomplish this dream. We will work our way out of debilitating student loan and credit card debt. We will own a home and make it beautiful. I really have no idea right now how that will be accomplished, but somehow, someday, we're dreaming that it will.

(Click here for my tiny house Pinterest board that has more of our favorite ideas)

A child's wisdom

Sunday morning I spent an hour in the company of second graders as they learned about Moses and the golden calf. The theme for this month's Sunday School lesson is patience, and those Israelites were anything but patient as they waited for Moses to come down from the mount!

Near the end of the lesson one of the teachers played a "true or false" game with the kids, lining them up and having them jump forward or backward off a line in response to questions read from a card; forward if they thought it was true, and backward if false.

The teacher called out this question: "True or False: God always answers prayers with a yes or a no." 

Several kids leapt forward, a few back, then forward to join the crowd. One little boy stood still on the line, hands deep in the pockets of his hoodie, a look of deep concentration on his face. "But..." he called out. "But...sometimes the answer is 'maybe.' Or...'later.'"

Oh, the wisdom of that child. 

His voice was almost lost in the giggling and chatter of the other students, but his words were so deep that I wanted to rush over and hug him. I know that God does not ever deliberately tease us with "maybe...maybe not," but I know that His answers are often hard for us to comprehend and may seem like a non-answer at the time. He often asks us to wait, to continue prayer and faith and perseverance.  The answer can be "wait" or "the time is later" or "my child, you cannot understand right now. Understanding will come with time."  God always answers, whether we see it as a clear "yes or no" or not. 

How many times as a kid did we ask our parents "But why?" only to have the response be "Because I said so." Parents often have reasons that cannot be explained to a child, so why on earth do we think we are comprehensive enough to understand and anticipate God's every move? I can point this out and say "what arrogance!" with ease, while still knowing I am guilty of it every day. We are surrounded by knowledge and science and technology that provide us with easy answers to all of life's questions...and yet. God should still be a place where we are free to express unabashed wonder and awe. We don't have to understand God completely to know that He is great and good.

I am thankful for a second-grader who reminded me that God is great and good and always answers us, even if we can't always understand the answer...at least not until later.

Words to live by

Up until very recently, if someone asked me "what's your favorite Bible verse?" I would not really have had a definite answer. I've always had trouble remembering exact references and end up saying, "you know, the one where it talks about...or that verse about the...Psalms...um...John 3:16?"

Not quite that bad, but you get the picture. But this year there is a verse that stands out and has pushed into my attention and memory. First, some back story.

In 2013 my marriage went through hell. I do not use that word lightly. It was hell. We fought constantly. We spent time apart. We said words that - while they have since been forgiven - can never be taken back. It is not a time I like to remember, and yet it resulted in much-needed growth: spiritually, personally and relationally.

At one of the darkest points Matt and I finally reached out to loved ones and admitted we needed help. We both willingly went through counseling together and attended a Marriage Intensive retreat that dug deep and hit hard. A dear friend recommended a daily devotional for me to read and gave me pages and pages of information on recovering from trauma and learning how to mourn, heal and trust in God. One page had a long list of Bible verses to read for encouragement and peace. One verse in particular stood out to me, and I wrote it several times in the devotional journal I was keeping.

Our marriage strengthened. Our wounds healed. 2014 was a year of peaceful joy. Ugly moments reared and threatened, but we worked through them together.

In January of this year the idea of a yearly theme or goal seemed all around me. Not in a "get fit" or "run a marathon" sense, but in a "words to live by" way. I thought about that verse again, but couldn't remember the reference. I dug through my notes and journals and found it. I wrote it on a sticky note stuck to my desk and tapped it into the notepad app on my phone. I thought of publicizing it somehow as my "verse of the year" but didn't make time to do it.

In late January I changed jobs within our church and began working for a new ministry.  It was a long time coming, and there was lots of prayer and consideration, but all job changes tend to come with some tiny hint of trepidation no matter how firm of a "yes!" the decision has been. The change has been exciting and busy and crazy, with promises of more exciting and busy and crazy to come.

On Monday I was preparing promotional material for the ministry's biggest event of the year: VBS. This free summer event brings in families from the community that may have never entered a church before, so it's a big deal. I went online to pull down promotional info for our website, and stopped dead when I saw the key verse for this year's event. It was my verse. Big and bold. Exuberant.

Isaiah 30:21: Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Sometimes God's ways are mysterious, and sometimes they are right there in front of you, wonderfully clear and bold. Did this verse get me through a dark time in my marriage? Yes. Has it been in my thoughts for the past couple of months as I transitioned to this new job? Yes. And there it was before me, the key verse to the biggest event I will work on during my first year at said new job. I will get to see and share that verse over and over again. To me, that is God is letting me know that right now, I'm exactly where I need to be and doing the work He has set out for me. 

Isaiah 30 starts off as a pretty dismal chapter, recounting the rebellious deeds of God's children and the woe that will befall them. But right around verse 18 it begins to look up. "The LORD longs to be gracious to you," it says. "...Blessed are all who wait for Him!" If you cry out to God, He hears you, and if you listen, He guides you. It gives me such peace and security knowing that no matter where I go or what I do, if I listen to God, He will direct my path. 

So there it is. My verse of the year. What wonderful words to trust and live by.

Movie thoughts

The Academy Awards are always a fun time for me. I enjoy watching movies of all different genres, and for the past couple of years I've tried to see as many Best Picture nominees as I can. This is what a group of experts consider the pinnacle of cinema each year; sometimes I agree with them, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I applaud their choices and sometimes I am dismayed at what is being awarded.

This year 8 films are up for Best Picture, and I have seen 5 of them. 3 of these also have Best Actor nominations. I have also seen 2 of the 5 Best Actress nominees, 4 out of 5 for Best Supporting Actress, and 3 out of 5 for Best Director. Several of these overlap. Here are few thoughts on some of the top nominated films.

The Imitation Game

5 out of the 8 Best Picture nominees are based on true stories, and this World War II bio-pic is one of the first ones I went to see. Alan Turing is the classic misunderstood genius, a brilliant social disaster of a mathematician brought in to lead a team of Nazi code-breakers. Benedict Cumberbatch (Best Actor nominee) plays Turing with awkward, frustrating sympathy, which is the type of character he seems born to play. Keira Knightley (Best Supporting Actress nominee) is very convincing as Joan Clarke, Turing's mental match and closest friend. Turing saves lives during the war but can't manage to get his private life together, and the film portrays the last years of his life as lonely, persecuted and tragic. From what Matt researched, this ending seems to be highly embellished. Yes, Turing was gay. Yes, he was unfairly treated by some, which was wrong. But the film could have been more effective by handling the sadness of his life more gently and without such a heavy-handed socio-political agenda.

The Theory of Everything

To me, this Stephen Hawking bio-pic was less about the wheelchair-bound theorist and more about Jane, the wife that stood by him through his physical decline and rise to theoretical fame. Hawking's blatant disdain for God never wavers and rubs harshly on Jane's stalwart Christian belief. She holds to her faith through years of mockery on his part. At one point in the film Jane comes to her husband about a sentence in his manuscript that points to the possible existence of a Creator. She is full of hope, and he strings her along...for a moment. The theater-goers around me laughed as the scene ended with Hawking mocking Jane's faith again, while my eyes filled with tears to see her hope removed once more. Jane makes mistakes. She is not the perfect wife or mother. But at the end she has her faith and Hawking has his theories, and I think she is the happier one. Felicity Jones has a Best Actress nomination for her role as Jane, and I sincerely hope she wins.

American Sniper

Good movie about a hard (and still very present) subject. I think Bradley Cooper (nominated for Best Actor) is a strong contender for his portrayal of American solider (and Texas native) Chris Kyle. While Eddie Redmayne went through an impressive physical transformation to become Stephen Hawking, I feel that Cooper embodied Kyle's emotional state - unwavering patriotism, fierce familial love, encouraging spirit - as well as his massive physical appearance. It's always interesting to me when a film like this is made so quickly after the event itself transpires; the criminal trial surrounding Kyle's death is still in progress today.


Boyhood

Richard Linklater's ambitious 12-year project ultimately doesn't amount to much. While it is a welcome change to follow the same young boy as he grows up from age 6 to 18 (as opposed to an adorable child actor who bam! becomes Zac Efron or Ryan Gosling in his young adult years), the story was rather empty and disheartening. Ethan Hawke (Best Supporting Actor nominee) does a good job as the boy's mostly-absent-but-still-devoted father. Patricia Arquette (Best Supporting Actress nominee)...well, she just can't catch a break and has one of the film's whiniest moments near the end, a moment that really kind of broke the "epic" feeling for me.

 The Grand Budapest Hotel

Oh, Wes Anderson. I never know if I am going to love or hate his work, but in this case, it was mostly love. Budapest Hotel is a strange, quirky, heartfelt story about a strange, quirky, heartfelt concierge. The story is narrated by the young lobby boy who becomes the concierge's closest companion. Along with an equally colorful supporting cast, M. Gustave and Zero Moustafa make their way through service life at the hotel, a mysterious death, piles of legal paperwork, and a second-story hotel shootout. The film is rated R for some unnecessary sexuality and surprising moments of violence, but overall it is a story about simple humanity...in an oddly colorful and almost dream-like world. 


I also saw Wild and Into the Woods, boasters of three acting nominations. Wild is based on Cheryl Strayed's best-selling biography, which I read last year and for once enjoyed the movie more. It's a morally murky tale of a woman searching for herself and working to recover from a failed marriage, chronic promiscuity and a devastating drug habit. Reese Witherspoon (nominated for Best Actress) convincingly embodies the weary young traveler and Laura Dern shines as her effervescent mother (nominated for Best Supporting Actress). Meryl Streep also has a Best Supporting nod for her role as the Into the Woods witch, which is a decent melodic adventure...but honestly, the nomination is just because she's Meryl Streep.

 

  

The awards are coming up on Sunday night, and this year's proceedings will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris (meh). Overall it's a good bunch of films this year, and I'm excited to see who wins. The Best Picture nominations I haven't seen are Selma, Birdman and Whiplash. The first of these is a true story and the other two highly stylized fiction, and those two are ones I am honestly not very interested in seeing. Overall, it's been a year of film based in fact, history, and, for the most part, truth. 

The morns are meeker

I love fall weather. Fall weather is the best. Fall weather is my favorite.

I bought some strawberry plants for the garden a couple of weeks ago, and they are doing well. One already bloomed, and the delicate white flowers are so pretty.

 I'm hoping they have a chance to produce fruit before squirrels or cold gets 'em.

Fall weather makes me want to sit on a deck by a lake with a cup of tea early in the morning. Or be somewhere mountainous at sunset. Or by a crackling campfire late at night. Pretty much anywhere outdoors. :-)

So, to conclude these autumnal musings, a poem about fall from Emily Dickinson:

The morns are meeker than they were,
The nuts are getting brown;
The berry's cheek is plumper,
The rose is out of town.
The maple wears a gayer scarf,
The field a scarlet gown.
Lest I should be old-fashioned,
I'll put a trinket on.

                 - Emily Dickinson: Nature, Poem 28

Summer Reading, year 2: "Furies of Calderon" and "The Meaning of Marriage"

Even though this final recap is almost a month late, I DID finish my summer reading goals on time! To recap the entire summer, my reading goals included:

- An old favorite/something I haven't read in several years. For this goal I re-read The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame (see post).

- A biography, memoir or piece of historical nonfiction: Shakespeare Saved My Life by Laura Bates (see post).

- A "classic" that I've never read before: The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (see post).

And today I will go over the last two on my list:

- The first in a new series: Furies of Calderon by Jim Butcher.

- A devotional/commentary/Bible-based/"inspirational" piece: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller. 

 Furies of Calderon is the first in a six-book fantasy series by Jim Butcher (best know for his massive Dresden Files series, which my husband adores but I have not yet attempted). Butcher wrote Furies in response to a challenge that said he couldn't create a story about the lost Roman legion. And he did it! Sort of. I think it gets into more of the actual Roman connections later in the series. So while the military and governmental themes closely relate to those of ancient Rome, this story is set in a world very unlike our own. Soldiers, steadholders and politicians all wield a type of elemental magic called furycrafting...all except Tavi, our magic-less young hero. 

While Tavi is struggling to find his place in the world, we meet Amara, a young woman in service to the First Lord (king-like leader) who uncovers shocking treason and is forced to flee for her life from her trusted mentor. Amara finds her way to Tavi's hometown and joins forces with Bernard, Tavi's stalwart and kindhearted uncle. While their love blossoms (very quickly, I might add), young Tavi encounters an unexpected threat that could have devastating and widespread consequences. He heads out to warn the garrison, accompanied by his devout and (seemingly) dimwitted manservant Fade. While they encounter many creatures and dangers along the way, Tavi's watercrafting/healer aunt Isana holds down the homestead and faces dangers of her own. 

The book is well-written and reads at a fast pace, despite being over 500 pages (and that makes it one of the shortest books in the series!). I am already up to the fourth in the series and have very few complaints. Some of the supporting characters are easy to confuse - especially when they all have names like Marcus and Gaius and Rufus and Maximus and are plotting or disguised or using false names (!!) all at the same time. Probably my biggest complaint is one female character who is a disgusting masochistic stereotype. Even though she is evil and played for over-the-top ridiculousness, it still feels like the author takes lecherous enjoyment writing her scenes. Ugh. She thankfully fades into the background after the first book, and so far her re-appearances have been few and far between. 

I have been so happy lately to find several sprawling high fantasy adventures that don't waste time focusing on steamy romance or unnecessarily twisted content. In college I started and abandoned several books like that. High fantasy is a genre I enjoy reading, though it does take careful picking and choosing to find adventures really worth the time.

 The final category on my summer reading list - a Bible-based piece - was filled by Timothy Keller's newest book, The Meaning of Marriage. I will admit that I have not actually finished this one yet, but it's really a book meant to be spread out over time and not read in one sitting.

Keller and his wife Kelly have written and spoken about marriage for years, and their advice is practical and Biblically-sound. They tackle topics such as the cultural obsession with finding your soul-mate, the false idea that "love is all you need" and the incredible amount of work it takes to keep a marriage healthy and strong. One of my favorite passages so far compares marriage to becoming a professional athlete or artist. You can't just say, "I want to be a great baseball player" and then go out and achieve it...not without years of  effort and hard work. Why should marriage be any different? Two people living together in a finely-tuned, harmonious relationship takes just as much work as perfecting a fastball or a flawless rendition of "Freebird."

Like I said, I haven't finished reading Marriage yet, so I expect to be sharing more insights from it in the future. But it is one I definitely recommend for newly-weds, almost-weds, or anyone already up to the fabled picket-fence-two-kids-and-a-dog stage. December will mark 6 years of marriage for me and Matt, and there is always, always more for us to learn.

Hooray for goals! These books were read between June-September this year, and I enjoyed the diversity of genres. An enjoyable project indeed. 

Mysterious ways

Last Friday my family and I attended the double funeral of my 62-year-old aunt Tisha and her 8-year-old granddaughter Lucia. The service was held in their hometown high school auditorium; the local church was too small. More than 1200 people packed the room, spilling out the back entrance and into side hallways.

Two caskets stood at the front surrounded by flowers. As the service began and songs were sung a solemn line of black-clad children wove down the left aisle toward the front, roses in their hands. One by one they laid their flowers on the podium steps, stood for a moment, then followed an adult back up the other side of the auditorium. These were Lucia's classmates, 8 and 9-year-old boys and girls who followed their teachers in a sweet and silent memorial for their missing friend.

Five nights before the funeral service and one nigh before my aunt and cousin were killed in a tragic car crash, my grandmother had a dream. Grandma dreamt that she was walking down the road and suddenly turned to find a large crowd of people behind her, all dressed in black. She wondered why they were there, but what surprised her the most was that the front line was all children. Small children, standing in front of a crowd, all dressed in black.

That same night my aunt Samantha had a dream that she was in her childhood home, the home where my grandma and aunt Tisha were currently living. Samantha stepped into the back yard to find a white hearse pulling up to the back gate. She was shocked to see it, but even more shocked when she realized the driver was her father - my grandfather - who had passed away almost 7 years ago.

God prepares us for the future in truly mysterious ways. A friend may say something profound that isn't truly understood until much later. A verse in the Bible or a lyric in a hymn may jump out as significant at just the right moment. A prayer may seem to go unheard for years until the answer is finally and perfectly revealed. And a grievous blow may be slightly softened by visions in which a loving father returns to carry his child home and a quiet line of children bid their dear friend goodbye.

God speaks to us in mysterious ways. Listen, watch, and wait for His presence.