Rambling silence

There's a one-panel cartoon about introverts that shows a stick figure with bulging eyes stating, "I'd love to hang out but I have to go sit in my house by myself."

And as terrible as that may sound to some, it's sometimes true. I like to be alone. I  will admit I have occasionally turned down someone's invitation because, honestly, I'd rather go sit in my house by myself. Of course I wouldn't pick that over friends every time, but a few quiet hours to read or just putter with a project can be bliss.

Matt's been out of town for 4 days this week, so I decided to spend my evenings sorting through 2 huge plastic tubs and various drawers full of papers, letters, and miscellaneous memorabilia that we've toted around from house to house over the past few years. (All of it is mine - he doesn't save things the way I do.)

As I sorted I found a lot to throw away: old brochures, cards that were torn or just not that meaningful, school papers that I know I have as digital copies. I threw out trinkets and ticket stubs and notebooks full of unorganized thoughts. I saved Christmas photos and discarded the cards; I sifted through programs and posters of plays I'd been in, saving one or two of each instead of a stack of six. Some souvenirs I set aside and vowed to actually scrapbook. Others I just threw out. 

But I saved all the handwritten letters from my best friend during his summer at boot camp. Letters and cards and colorful drawings from my mom and siblings during my 4 years at college. Encouraging notes written by friends. College brochures with our pictures in them. Half-finished journals, many pages still blank when they were discarded for newer, fresher ones (that would end up just the same). And try as I might, I couldn't throw away any card from my grandma, even if it just said, "love, Grandma" on the inside. It's been almost seven years since she's been gone, but...keeping them for a few more won't hurt.

Only one or two of the handwritten items were from my husband - most of our communication has been digital. After we first met we spent a lot of time talking through instant messaging (even though our dorms were only a parking lot apart). We emailed during the summers I spent nannying. We had a lot of relationship-defining conversations through digital media. Even now, if we're fighting or not communicating, often my first thought is to type up my arguments/issues instead of sitting face-to-face discussing them. I know this hasn't been the best way to handle things. I'll write it but end up keeping it to myself, and our silences fade back into every day life without actually being addressed head-on, which encourages them to rise up, worse, again and again.

Being an introvert, putting things down on paper is often easier for me than actually saying them. And the convenience of a computer means I can pound out words as quickly as they enter my head, be they angry, poetic, thoughtful or chaotic. Taking the time to write something by hand, or mustering the courage to actually say them, is probably much smarter. A couple of years ago I took part in a Bible study that encouraged writing out the entire book of James by hand. Writing it by hand makes you more involved than just reading it, stated the instructor. It takes time and imparts more meaning.

To bring this rambling introspection to a close, I will continue to sift through saved memories and attempt to create more for our future. More handwritten notes. More photos. More indications of things my husband and I will do together and apart over the years. But mostly, I hope, together.