Unquiet

     Quiet time. 

     To most people that sounds like a very peaceful part of the day: early morning with a nice cup of tea, a devotional book with flowers on the cover and a big comfy chair.  Everything is right with God and it’s time to reflect on Bible passages you’ve already memorized and can instantly apply to life’s moments. But what if flowery, placating words only increase bitterness? What if conversations with God have been limited to “why?” Or worse – and more realistically – if they haven’t existed at all?

     I shared with a dear friend that I am going through a time of bitterness, anger and hurt. This dear friend recommended starting “quiet time” by shouting and venting to God – not AT God, not blaming Him for everything, but venting, sharing, releasing hurt and frustration. Just saying it to Him directly can begin the healing. Then turn on worship music, she said, and turn it up loud. Listen to words of praise for Him, even if you can’t say them yourself yet. Go to the Psalms. Read them even if nothing jumps out. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do this every day, and God will begin to speak to you: through the music, or the words on the page, or the way your words to Him begin to change. Day after day talk to Him and read His promises, even if they mean nothing to you at first. Finding peace through God won’t happen in a day. And once it’s found, it won’t stay without work. 

     Last night I tried. I closed the door, pushed the coffee table into the corner and sat on the floor. I laid out my Bible and put on my playlist, a mere 7 songs. A lot of worship songs tire me with their repetition, so I tried to pick a few with lyrics I knew were personally meaningful. I closed my eyes and screamed. My husband was home so I didn’t scream out loud, but I screamed and screamed and screamed inside my head. Ranting about the past few weeks, the past 4 years, the years to come. Raving because I can go from loving my husband to despising him in mere seconds, and it is hardening my soul. Blaming myself for letting this cycle roll on and dig up pain I didn’t know existed. 

     Everything has turned to hatred. Even writing, one of the things I love, has become the enemy. He exists right now in a vast world of words and yet never asks or seeks out mine. Even writing this causes the bitterness to rise. Has he ever cared or encouraged my words? My focus turns away from God and inward into hate so quickly. Bitterness and bitterness and bitterness.

     Song lyrics told me of a husband’s desire to lead with strong hands, and I cried because I have no trust or respect for my husband. I want to be led and yet I deem him unworthy. We don’t agree. We don’t work towards the same goals. We exist alone beside each other. And I need God to show me how this will change. 

     A verse stood out that said as I cry out with my voice, He hears me from upon His holy hill. I wrote it down. I closed the book. Turned off the music. Got up. Went out. Made dinner. The bitterness remains.

      I’ll do it again. And again and again and again. It’s the least and the most all at once.