Those words pop out no matter how false they are. Who really wants to know how we are? Certainly not the voice on the other end of the office’s main line, spewing the platitude, getting the expected response and then plunging into business.
“Just fine. How are you?” I replied, eyes red from tears, nose stuffy and sore. But the person on the end of the line didn’t want to know that. “How are you today?” came out of their mouth automatically, and they expected the automatic reply. If I had launched into a description of my real state, I’d probably be fired.
“Not great, actually. My husband was just denied a job that he’s been working toward for the past 6 months, a job that we were sure was a done deal, that this time, finally, after 2 years of tears and crappy part-time positions and barely paid bills, that this would be it. His true calling. The perfect job. Our first real step into the future. We’re both in a state of shock right now, and I really don’t want to be here answering phones this morning. How are you?”
I admit wanting to scream at God two nights ago as I watched my husband crumble beneath the destructive weight of another rejection. The arguments formed like a spiteful storm in my mind, despair pelting like hail.
“Why again, God? Have the past 2 years of rejection not been enough? Can’t you see how much he’s hurting? How much we needed this to work out? Why do you keep setting us up only to let us fall?”
I wanted to, but I didn’t.
Ranting at God won’t solve anything. I know everything He does is for a reason. Sometimes I tire of trying to figure out the reasons. I’m tired, but not giving up.
I’m not as spiritual as I want to be. I admit that days will go by when I don’t really think about God all the much. I have no burning desire to sit and read the Bible for days on end. I love God with all my heart, but I am also easily distracted. I cringe to realize this makes me like a child who ignores a parent’s loving care except for moments of selfish need. I want to turn to Him in the best of times, not just worst of times.
Right now feels like one of the worst times. But I am trusting God, not screaming at Him.
Thank God for Someone who doesn’t expect false cheer in response to His questions.
He knows I’m not as fine as I say I am.
And I know He’s got it under control.
