New Start

A few weeks ago Matt and I celebrated 5 years of marriage. As readers of this blog may know, this year has been a hectic one. I am thankful every single day that this year is not ending the same way it began. January 1, 2013 Matt and I were barely speaking to each other, and it only got worse from there.

If either one of us had taken one more step backwards, one more angry, hurtful, tearing tug away from each other, our marriage would have been finished. I don’t like to relive those moments. There are still times when I am afraid. There are still days when I lash out with words that I know will wound. There are still moments and memories that leap up and make me ache with silent pain, but I am starting to learn how to fight through that, to stand against it and not let fear become bitterness and hate.
 

We have learned and grown and been strengthened this year. By making changes together and separately we have become stronger together and closer in our relationship with God. I wanted so many things to be different and for that change to happen instantly, but no real progress was made until I stepped back and said, "God, this is Yours. It has to be Yours. I can't try to control it anymore." When pushing and nagging and fighting becomes praying and encouraging and collaborating, things change. Hearts change. Futures brighten.

2014 is starting off with lean finances, bills to pay, cars to repair. But it is also beginning with hope and strength and renewed vision. In 2013 we began serving in ministry together every week. We got to do mission work together for the first time. We are part of an on-going small group that is marriage-focused and gives us relationship goals to achieve. As 2014 begins, Matt and I like spending time together. We want to be in each other's lives. We are glad to be married.

And that, my friends, sounds like a great way to start a new year.

Thankful

This past weekend I spent a day and a half preparing our home for an event that didn't happen. Since moving to Austin the opportunities to host people in our home have been few and far between, and I was so excited to have people over for a fun, cozy afternoon. On Friday I cleaned the house, went to the grocery store, and baked. Saturday morning I cleaned some more and rearranged for maximum space (900 square feet takes some creativity at times) and assembled supplies (it was meant to be an OCC shoebox packing party). But then the appointed time came and went and nobody came. The day was wet, cold and dreary. It's a busy time of year. The invitation had not actually been met with any official R.S.V.P.s, so I probably had been over-zealous in my preparations. It was quite disappointing, but I carried on. Cleared away the food. Put the living room back together. Went out and enjoyed a nice evening with my family.

When we lived in east Texas we had people come hang out in our home every week, and I loved it. I loved that our friends were comfortable enough to come in, get something from the fridge and make themselves at home automatically. I loved providing snacks and movies and a place to relax. It was a tiny apartment, dominated by our gigantic sectional sofa, but it made me proud. It was a place people where people wanted to be, and I really want to have that again.

But, disappointing weekend aside, I am thankful. Thankful for a place to call home. Thankful for the improvements and adjustments we've made in order to make it our own, even though we're just renting. Thankful for a yard so I could try my hand at gardening this year. Thankful for my incredibly talented father who screened in our porch a year ago, giving us and our cats more space. Thankful for a huge, overstuffed, incredibly comfortable chair that we found for $90 at Goodwill last winter. Thankful for IKEA furniture that is flexible and cheap and fits our space just right.

This year the majority of major retailers will be open all day on Thanksgiving, bulldozing through the day of gratitude for another day of profit. Thousands of people will shop instead of enjoying a day at home with family. But on the flip side, this extended shopping frenzy has (for some, at least) increased awareness of what Thanksgiving is actually supposed to be. A lot of people have been sharing thankful thoughts every day this month as we lead up to the holiday. So, here are a few of my own.

This year I am thankful for:

- Family and friends who give encouragement. 
- A husband who has fought alongside me to preserve our marriage.
- The joy of seeing my husband's relationship with God grow in leaps and bounds. As we grow closer to God we grow closer to each other.
- A job in ministry. I am thankful for this every single day.
-  Far-away friends who still take the time to ask, listen and care.
- Opportunities. Opportunities to travel, to experience new things, to experience change (as scary as it may be).
- Peace. I often struggle with finding peace in my situations, but I am learning how to rely on Him and find it faster.
- Forgiveness. So much peace is provided by forgiveness. Learning how to express heartfelt regret and experience someone else's pain and ask for (and receive) honest forgiveness is incredible.

That's the short list. There are many more, but simply put...

I am thankful.

Drifting Out

I last shared a piece of creative writing...let's see...five months ago. So here's another one.
I originally wrote this piece in 2007 for a creative writing class (Mrs. Stuckey, LeTourneau University). The prompt was "seasonal pieces." One I wrote as creative nonfiction, one as a poem, and this one: a short piece of fiction based on the season of Autumn.  

Drifting Out

The road had been alive, once. Once there had been cars buzzing by, customers stopping in, stories being swapped. Once the paint had been fresh and the pumps shiny-new. Uniformed employees had waited to spring into action at the friendly honk of a horn. But the new freeway had cut off most of their business. Now the paint peels and the lettering cracks. Tired drivers in loaded-up vans pass the station by in favor of somewhere more “civilized.” 

The ancient oak behind the store is just starting to turn, dropping hues of fire and gold onto the warped awning over the porch. The owner rocks in his chair and is occasionally joined by his neighbors, but their stories have been told and there’s not laughter like there used to be. Toby stays under the porch and only thumps his sleepy tail when someone pulls in, not bounding over to beg for treats like years past. He sleeps on the leaves from past autumns, nosing in a fresh pile as they color and fall once more. 

“Whatcha gonna do when no one else stops by?” they ask again and again. “You gonna upgrade to self-pay pumps? You gonna install one of them fancy car washes out back? You gonna sell magazines, beer, cigarettes?”

But the owner just shakes his head. “Naw,” he says. “No need to. If people need what I got, they’ll come and get it. No need to update. No need at all." 

 So his friends shake their heads and rock some more, contemplating work and wives and achin' joints. As the sun fades they mosey on, sniffing their way home to suppers and slippers and sleep. The owner whistles for Toby and opens a can of dinner for each of them. Toby eats with the slow drawl of someone with nowhere else to be, and the owner does the same. Over coffee the owner stares out the window at the empty road,  the last rays of  sunlight mirroring his face in the glass. A coppery leaf floats past.

“We’ve had our time, ain’t we, Toby? We’ve had our spring and our summer. Boy, did we have ‘em. So ain’t nothing wrong with driftin’ out with the fall.” 

It's Tuesday. People work on Tuesday.

It already feels like a long week. Not in a completely bad way, but just a shouldn't-there-be-a-weekend-soon? kind of way.

Anyone there?

This feeling is due a lot to the fact that we were at church 6 days out of 7 last week. The pastor I work for has answered the call to go serve at another church, so there have been multiple receptions/parties/events as he says his farewells and the the ministry prepares for transition time. That means that this week it's been a whole lot quieter around the office... 

I've also gotten myself into a bit of a online comment war, which is something I never, ever do and is very, very draining. It's on a Christian magazine's website, which I suppose is why I felt inclined to add my two cents. I hate the faceless-ness of internet discussions and how easy it is for ranters and ravers to hide behind user names and anonymous profiles. I seriously feel a heart-jumping surge of anxiety every time I check the page to see if something else has been said. I don't know how far it will go, but I feel I need to stand my ground on this particular issue.

Jeremy in Newsies.

What else? I've been listening to the Bonnie and Clyde Broadway soundtrack this week and enjoying it a lot. Jeremy Jordan has an incredibly expressive voice. I loved him on the Newsies Broadway soundtrack and in the second season of SMASH. Norbert Leo Butz still holds the #1 place as Favorite Broadway Performer Ever, but Jeremy is sneaking into a close second.

And the weather this week is so amazingly beautiful that it kills me to be inside all day. I want to hike. Plant fall vegetables. Go camping. Visit the zoo. BE OUTSIDE.

NATURE!!!

Is it Friday yet?

Good weekend and thoughts on a well-watered garden

This weekend was lovely. Friday was rainy, which made for a productive/relaxing day at home for me. That night Matt and I went to a musical, a great production of Bonnie and Clyde: a New Musical put on by the talented kids at McCallum Fine Arts Academy.

Saturday dawned bright, cool and beautiful. I had brunch with a friend, then Matt and I ran some errands and enjoyed the cool weather. In the afternoon Matt watched college football while I worked on a project. I may not know what a forward pass incomplete offside tackle is, but I enjoy it when we can be in the same room, doing different things, but still attentive to each other and enjoying each others company. We cooked dinner together that night and enjoyed the cool weather AGAIN with a walk around our neighborhood. Sunday evening we experimented in the kitchen making homemade onion rings and fried stuffed jalapenos. Not healthy in the least, but oh so good. Mondays are for healthy food. :-)

We've had fun cooking together on the weekends lately...a couple of weeks ago we grilled some peaches brushed with a fruity balsamic glaze. Yum.

Weekends like that bring me joy, plain and simple.
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In other news, our small group is going through a marriage-strengthening curriculum this fall. One of the chapter 1 assignments was to read the verse below and ponder any possible implications on our lives/marriages.

Isaiah 58:11
The LORD will guide you always;
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I immediately thought of my own backyard garden. While most of my plants do well getting watered every 2-3 days, there is one pepper plant that is extremely needy and droops at the slightest hint of dryness. Nearly every day I look out the window and see the leaves curling in on themselves, stem curving down toward the earth like it has nothing left to live for in this cruel, cruel world. It always perks back up as soon as I rush out to give it some water, but I doubt that little plant is very healthy.

While the pepper plant is definitely still alive and even producing peppers, know this up-and-down cycle isn't promoting strong growth. I'm sure the pepper would thrive and produce bigger, tastier produce if it could receive a steady supply of water at regular intervals during the day.

Many aspects of my life/marriage can relate to that pepper right now. Round and round and round we go, an endless cycle of up and down, distress and delight. I long for that cycle to transform into a strong time of consistent growth, a time that strengthens us and helps us withstand the times of drought. I want to have roots that are deep, reaching for water even when it seems scarce. My roots often feel weak, and I bend and droop during hardship instead of growing stronger though His care.

God promises that He will take care of us, if we will only trust Him. He will make us like a well-watered garden, sustained by a steady, constant flow from His endless spring. Isn't that an amazing promise? No matter how sun-scorched the land may be around me, I want my marriage to be well-watered and deeply rooted. God has promised it, and I trust Him.

Cry

I clicked on a Pinterest recipe last night and the link led to porn.

I immediately hit the home button, clearing the screen, and threw my e-reader tablet away from me and onto the floor. I got up, trembling, needing to physically move away from that place. Matt looked up from his computer game. I told him and tried to push past into the other room, but he grabbed me and held me and I cried.

It had been one of those days where I'd been on the verge of tears all day but had managed to keep it together. I kept it together through church, some work frustrations, an emotional small group meeting, money problems, etc. Sometimes on days like that I'll watch a sad movie or something that allows me to cry without anyone knowing the real cause. Sometimes the day will end with the heavy ache still present, no tears shed. But yesterday the tears flowed for a real reason and combined with tears for other reasons that had been held back all day.

I calmed down and he let me go and I went to the other room and cried again. Tears of fear, heartbreak, weariness. Tears of not knowing what's next, not knowing how to surpass an obstacle, not knowing peace. Tears at knowing something and being unable to say it. Just tears. 

That was probably the worst imaginable trigger to actually get me crying, but it brought relief to cry. To just cry and cry and cry.

Summer Reading: Old Favorite, Poetry, Devotional

Summer reading recap: I set goals to  read
-  an old favorite
-  a sci-fi/fantasy adventure
- a nonfiction memoir
- several short stories or poems
- the first in a new series
- a spiritual growth devotional

September 1 was my deadline. I didn't meet every goal on the list, but I at least started/partially completed each item. So here's a summary of the final 3 items on the list.

Old Favorite: The Illyrian Adventure (Vesper Holly #1) by Lloyd Alexander

Technically I read this before my summer goals were set, but it is an old favorite that I recently read, so I decided to include it. (Especially since nothing else I read this summer could actually count toward this goal.)

So. Vesper Holly. A wealthy, red-haired, fiery-spirited, orphaned teenager in the late 1800's. An adventurer who travels the world with Brinnie, her middle-aged, cautious and dearly devoted guardian (our narrator). The high-energy adventures of Vesper were some of my favorites as a young girl, and re-reading them this spring proved they are still fun, hilarious, fast-paced and well-written escapades. Lloyd Alexander wrote dozens of children's books during his life, and while the Chronicles of Prydain are his most famous works, Vesper Holly has always been my favorite.

When I first read Vesper 14+ years ago, I sprinted through the first 4 books only to find that #5 was temporarily out of print. I wrote a letter directly to the author spouting my praise and inquiring if the next adventure would soon be available. And Lloyd Alexander himself wrote back! A personal, typewriter-typed note came in the mail thanking me for my letter and ensuring me that the next story was being re-issued in a new paperback edition and would soon be available. A personalized, signed photograph was also included. I still have both, and it still makes me deliriously happy that he took the time to reply to a young reader's request.

Poems: Emily Dickinson and Robert Frost

One night a few months ago my husband and I pulled this "stay-at-home date idea" out of a jar: read poetry to each other. So I ransacked the shelves for various collections and we flipped through them for over an hour. He stuck mostly to Robert Frost and I had Emily Dickinson. I don't remember all the poems we read, but here's a few snippets.






I started early, took my dog,
And visited the sea;
The mermaids in the basement
Came out to look at me,

And frigates in the upper floor
Extended hempen hands,
Presuming me to be a mouse
Aground, upon the sands.

           - Emily Dickinson, Complete Poems (Part Two: Nature)

The above is just a partial poem, but gives a good idea of Dickinson's lovely imagination. She lived in seclusion for much of her life but wrote poem after poem about the outdoors, traveling, and natural delights. I have always loved her descriptions, her emotions, her raw honesty. Many of her poems also dealt with religion, belief and spiritual ideas. The one below jumped out at me.

I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied. 
"And I for truth, - the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met at night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

          - Emily Dickinson, Complete Poems (Part Four: Time and Eternity)

 Most of my favorite Frost poems are about nature as well, but his topics are often farm/rural life, seasons and childhood memories as opposed to Dickinson's romanticized nature. Frost had a rather tragic life, but still found beauty - and sometimes humor - in simple things. The poem below is one that Matt found and read: reflections on school and the life-long process of learning.






When I was young my teachers were the old.
I gave up fire for form till I was cold.
I suffered like a metal being cast.
I went to school to age to learn the past.

Now when I am old my teachers are the young.
What can't be molded must be cracked and sprung.
I strain at lessons fit to start a suture.
I go to school to youth to learn the future.

           - Robert Frost, "What Fifty Said"


Spiritual Growth Devotional: A Place of Quiet Rest by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I haven't made much progress in this devotional yet, but I am doing my best to stick with it. A Place of Quiet Rest is a guide to help women start and maintain daily quiet time. This is something I have long neglected. I've tried many times: beginning with good intentions, picking out books and planning to get up early, but good intentions are forgotten, fizzle, and fade. Last week I managed to get up early all 5 mornings and spend time reading before my day took off. This week hasn't been as good. But if I don't read it in the mornings, I try to make time later in the day to catch up.

DeMoss maintains a steady tone throughout the book, laying out strong Biblical teachings while expanding and personalizing them with real-life experiences and scenarios. Longer chapters are broken into sections that can be read over several days, and each chapter ends with discussion/reflection questions. Since I'm doing it alone, I journal my answers and keep track of any thoughts I have while reading. I could see it working very well as a group study, with each participant sharing thoughts, struggles and insights.

I'm on chapter 4 out of 12, so my new goal is to finish this book by the end of the year!

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So there you have it. A summer of reading. There were other books that I read in-between that didn't count toward the goals. I am constantly reading, and my overarching goal for this summer plan was to diversify, to dip into several genres instead of sticking to one. It could have easily been an all sci-fi/fantasy summer, or an all memoir summer. Overall I am satisfied with the results.

What did you read this summer?

The fragile courtesy

Faith is more than a fire. Sometimes it is embers. Sometimes the night is so dark and so long that the quiet glow of three coals is all you have in the corner of a room that feels like a cage. 
- Jon Acuff, It's Not All Fire

Jon Acuff, author of the long-running and incredibly insightful website Stuff Christians Like, posted that today in an article about faith. And it resonated with me.

Not just about faith, but about marriage, too.

Marriage does not always burn bright and cheerful. Sometimes it is cold, grey and lifeless. There are long nights of anger and silent days of resentment and bitterness. There are fights that strip every ounce of hope from the air and leave both parties gasping and broken. Sometimes even reconciliation is only a fragile courtesy, a delicate balance of insincerity eager to break down.

I feel stuck in that fragile courtesy right now. A tight rope walker high in the sky, holding onto the gleaming pole of "we're alright" so tightly that it crumples, revealing the shocking truth that what I thought was silver was aluminum foil all along. There are safety nets below, and I've fallen into them before, but it's a comfort that's temporary. Once I tumble out of the net there's the long climb back up to the wire. On the way up there's the advice of books, sites, friends, family, counselors. It's easy to smile and nod and say "We're good. We're great. I got this!" but fear still grips my heart as I reach the top. The fear of stepping out onto a wire that's frayed and weak. Or worse, reaching the top and realizing the wire had been cut long ago, leaving nothing between me and the distant figure waiting on the other end.

"We gotta know it'll last, it'll last a lifetime...." (Seabird) 

But how?

What I Believe

This is what I believe, in the words of others and occasionally my own words. Sometimes I feel I've been fighting the same battles for so long that my words have no impact anymore, no power to make any sort of change, no matter how much I pull from Scripture, from experience, from the aching longings of my heart to be understood and supported in my belief. Especially last week, when I drafted this, several things came up that left me feeling battered and worn. Belief is hard, and as Christians we're told to expect that, but knowing what to expect often doesn't make it easier. So for this post I've pulled from the words of others: pastors and writers and speakers I respect and trust. These are sentiments, emotions and truths that I hold close. This is what I believe.
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This is what I believe regarding homosexuality.

 ...Love does no harm, and homosexuality clearly harms everyone involved.

.....Consider how many times you’ve read the word “gay” or “homosexual” in this post without thinking about the actual behaviors those terms represent. “Gay” and “homosexual” are polite terms for an ugly practice. They are euphemisms. In all the politeness, we’ve actually stopped talking about the things that lie at the heart of the issue–sexual promiscuity of an abominable sort. I say “abominable” because that’s how God describes it in His word. I think we should describe sin (and righteousness) the way God does.

 ...What we’re really talking about when we talk about “homosexuality” is not just sex gone wrong but wrong sexual behavior.  ...The knowledge of that moral wrong repulses us because we’re moral beings, made that way by our Creator. ...Our apologetic task is to bring to the surface what has been  written on the conscience and cannot be not known. We need to do this with as much kindness, insight, warmth and fairness as the gay journalist in the private boardroom ten years ago. And we need to do this soon.

 - Above excerpts from This article by pastor Thabiti Anyabwile, originally published on The Gospel Coalition's website on August 19, 2013.

...Brothers, do we not all have to give up something to enter the kingdom of God? Homosexuals are not unique in this. No one enters eternal life without walking away from his sinful desires and picking up his cross and following Christ. A person’s very life depends on it.

- Excerpt from What would you do to live? by Andree Seu Peterson, published by WORLD Magazine on June 11, 2013. 

This [trend of supporting same-sex marriage] has major implications for evangelicalism. A soft middle has developed as evangelicalism has become culturally popular....“Give me neither conservatism nor liberalism,” many evangelicals seem to have whispered. “Let me be an evangelical, but an inoffensive one.”
       
 ...What we must do now is gear up for persecution of varying kinds (per Matthew 5:1-11). And we must set our faces like a flint to speak the truth and to love our neighbor, including those who would silence us (Matt. 22:37-39). ...People are going to watch us. They’re going to see if we respond to those who call us bigots with hatred and anger. Will we lash out?
     I believe that we won’t, many of us....We know that sin, in whatever form, only brings pain and destruction, and that the gospel, however demanding its call of transformation, only brings life and joy.  So we will proclaim the truth without any fear or hedging. And we will love our neighbor to the utmost.

- Excerpts taken from Rob Bell, Homosexuality and the New Cultural Acceptance by Owen Strachan, March 18, 2013.

Every human being has desires that are not satisfied in this life. These are the very things that God uses to develop in us the character He wants us to take into eternity with us. If an actively homosexual person tells you that he cannot make it through the night and through life without his homosexual lifestyle, it is his word against God’s. This life is brief, and the next one unending.

- Excerpt taken from Do all our desires need to be satisfied? by Andree Seu Peterson, published by WORLD Magazine on June 4, 2013. 
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This is what I believe regarding pornography.

God says "I value her above all else because she is made in my image, in my likeness." You watch her being humiliated and violated and desecrated and all the while fantasize about doing the same. God says "Of all I created there is nothing with more worth and dignity," and you delight in her desecration and indignity. God says, "I hate it when her body and soul is stained," and you say, "It turns me on."

- Excerpt taken from Desecration and Titillation by pastor Tim Challies, published June 3, 2013. 

Solomon says that the young man who follows the forbidden woman gives away his honor and his time, he loses his strength and his labor, and he even calls for consequences to his flesh and body. Ultimately, he calls down public humiliation and divine judgment upon himself. ...We have the better part of a generation of young men who are giving their strength to this forbidden woman.

What will be the cost to the church if young men continue to give themselves to pornography? The church will be weakened by young men who give so many of their best days to the worst purpose. ...The church will be weakened by men who could be leaders, but who pursue pornography and never escape its clutches. ...The church will be weakened by families that are unstable because the husband has brought his love of pornography into his marriage. How many men could be serving in ministries, could be pastoring churches, could be training to preach, could be planting churches, except that they have given their strength to another? The cost is high. The consequences are fearsome.

- Excerpts taken from What Will Be the Cost to the Church? by pastor Tim Challies, published on August 19, 2013.

...Pornography strikes out against the picture of Christ and his church by disrupting the one-flesh union, leaving couples like our prehistoric ancestors, hiding from one another and from God in the darkness of shame.

- Excerpt taken from Moore to the Point by pastor Russell D. Moore, published Jan. 23, 2012.

The discovery – or, more often, the confirmation of fears - that a loved one spends days and nights clicking through images of naked, twisted bodies hits you like a cannonball to the chest.
    ...You are horrified at the thought of seeing more and yet feel pulled to know everything they’ve seen. If you try to look deeper, to prepare yourself to confront them with everything, you realize that’s impossible. There’s just too much. No one ever just looks at just one site, reads just one erotic story, watches just one explicit video. The web of pornography is enormous and hideously tangled.You want to scrub yourself until you bleed, though it still won’t be enough.

- Excerpt taken from A hole in my heart, written by me on May 12, 2010.

I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
 Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
 Discarded.
 Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?

- Excerpt taken from an anonymous poem published on challies.com, Dec. 18, 2010.  
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This is what I believe regarding alcohol.

Christian millennials are increasingly accepting of alcoholic beverages...but sometimes this enthusiasm goes too far when one’s identity starts to be associated with a liquid they consume.
     Is alcohol a “nice to have” or a “must-have”? ...Are we mindful of those around us, and if they struggle with alcohol in any way are we willing to abstain for their sake? ...Do we have a serious-enough understanding of how dangerous alcohol can be? Alcohol has a long and tumultuous history as an addictive wrecker of lives. We all know people who’ve been ruined or nearly ruined by it. ...Alcohol is not something to be trifled with.

-Excerpt taken from Are You Free NOT to Drink? by Patrick Schreiner, published July 19, 2013. 

The least we can infer from all this [in the Bible] is that while drinking is not always viewed as wrong, its dangers and harmfulness were such as to call forth numerous warnings, and in some cases, abstinence was seen as commendable. Drunkenness is always wrong.
      I choose not to drink because of my conscience. I would feel uneasy and somewhat guilty if I were to purchase and use alcoholic beverages. The biblical principle here is that we should not act against our conscience, even if our conscience condemns us for actions that are morally neutral in themselves. 
      The second reason is that alcohol is a mind-altering drug. ...The third reason why I choose total abstinence is that alcohol is addictive....The fourth reason I choose total abstinence is to make a social statement.

- Excerpt taken from Total Abstinence and Church Membership by pastor John Piper, first published on October 4, 1981. 
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This is what I believe regarding marriage.

So here is the happy ending to the story: Our marriages get to be a portrait of Christ and the church. What a privilege! Marriage is a display of the gospel. This means that whatever we do in marriage is meant to bring glory to Christ, and that is the happiest ending of all. Now that we know that, we can read those scary words like submission and headship and see that it is all going to work out really, really well.

- Excerpt taken from A Picture-Perfect Marriage by pastor Tim Challies, published Jan. 23, 2012. 

God wants us to work on eradicating the little foxes—that temper problem, that tendency to walk out of the room when things are unpleasant, that habit of getting the last word in an argument, or of excessive TV watching that robs time from your spouse, or that obsession with cleaning, or shopping, or polishing your car, or Facebook.
 Let us get rid of the little foxes. And here is the promise: Your vineyard will blossom.

-Excerpt taken from Getting rid of the little foxes by Andree Seu Peterson, published by WORLD Magazine on July 31, 2013. 

 And this article that is all verses from Scripture, entitled 8 Bullet Points on Marriage by pastor Tim Challies, published June 19, 2012. 
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This is what I believe regarding the Bible and Biblical living. 

It is one of the wonderful enticements for me in reading the Bible daily to realize that I can pick out any verse in the 66 books and know that God has total recollection of having written that verse. Moreover, He meant every word of it at the time, and still means every word of it.

- Excerpt taken from He meant every word He wrote by Andree Seu Peterson, published by WORLD Magazine on May 30, 2013. 

Forgiveness is the thing I ask for the most. In my head maybe I know that God’s forgiveness is eternal and inexhaustible but in my heart I feel like He’s going to run out of it. That He’s got a limited supply. And I’m burning them up, one by one, sin by sin. ...[but] He pours it out on us in such abundance that it’s almost wasteful.

- Excerpt taken from Thinking God will run out of Welcome Home Banners by Jon Acuff, published July 22, 2009. 

 In Ephesians 5 Paul says, "But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving." 
   ...When we laugh at what God calls evil, when we enjoy watching what God says is private, when we speak too crassly or even too frankly about things that are vile, we compromise God's standards. There is to be no filthy talk among us and no crass words. We are not to delight in what God says is evil.

-Excerpt taken from Compromising God's Standards for Sexuality by pastor Tim Challies, published Sept. 17, 2012. 

God gave us passionate souls. He meant for us to love fully, deeply and with all that we have. But He also gave us instructions on what to love. Our love and passion is not meant to focus on just anything that brings us momentary pleasure. "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...think about such things." - Philippians 4:8

- Excerpt taken from Indulgence, written by me on June 4, 2013. 
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Also, 

I do not believe that Fox News, WORLD Magazine or The Weekly Standard are conservative hate-rags.

I do not believe in art for art's sake.

I do not believe that tolerance is a virtue. It has become a blanket word, a catchphrase to cover all transgressions. It's one thing to have a "fair, objective and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, etc. differ from one's own," but when those opinions and practices differ from God's, it is not okay and should not be tolerated. We are called to love, and love never says "I give you permission to do what you want just because you think it's okay."

I do not believe that God is a distant, uncaring deity.

I believe that God never turns away from us, but we often turn away from Him.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, but because we are human and He is God, we are not always meant to understand His reasoning.

I believe that the world is full of ups and downs and in and outs and shadows and glitter all doing their best to hide the truth. But despite everything the world may say,

I believe that He will not mislead me. 

Catch the little foxes

Please, please read this short article: Getting rid of the little foxes in your marriage

I've really only read Song of Solomon when I have to (oh, the awkwardness!), but the verse she quotes above makes me realize I've missed out. I have never noticed that verse before, and wow, is it true. Ridiculously true.

Excerpt from the above article: 

...Not all of us will encounter the giants in our marriages, but all of us will encounter the little foxes. This is because while not many of us are adulterers or murderers or wife beaters, all of us are prone to bad habits and mild addictions and assorted baggage we carried into wedlock with us.
...The thing about little foxes is that they might even seem cute or harmless or funny, and sometimes they are dormant for long stretches of time...You may even think they are simply the inevitable “human condition” and not worth dealing with because you will never be perfect before heaven.
...[But] God wants us to work on eradicating the little foxes—that temper problem, that tendency to walk out of the room when things are unpleasant, that habit of getting the last word in an argument, or of excessive TV watching that robs time from your spouse, or that obsession with cleaning, or shopping, or polishing your car, or Facebook.
 Let us get rid of the little foxes. And here is the promise: Your vineyard will blossom.  

- Andree Seu Peterson

Summer Reading: Sci-fi Adventure

Summer reading recap: I set goals for this summer to 
-  re-read an old favorite
-  read a sci-fi/fantasy adventure
- a nonfiction memoir
- several short stories or poems
- the first in a new series
-  a spiritual growth devotional

 Science-Fiction: The Long Earth by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter

Terry Pratchett has long been one of my favorite authors. His hilarious, satirical (and yet surprisingly moving at times) Discworld series is nearly 40 books long and spans a 30-year writing career. The series is strictly fantasy, involving wizards (thought not very good ones), guards (band of misfits), imps, trolls, etc., all set in a medieval-ish time with plenty of anachronistic inventions and technological advances. Pratchett loves to poke fun at pop culture, history and social norms, yet never with a cruel or demeaning tone. He is very British and very, very funny.

So, when this much more serious sci-fi adventure popped up as the Nook Daily Find a month or so ago, I snapped it up. It isn't Discworld, and it's a co-written piece, so I was very interested to see how how Pratchett's style translated away from anything-goes fantasy to a more technical and serious science-fiction world.

The premise: Earth is discovered to be just one in a countless string of parallel worlds, worlds suddenly accessible through a process called "stepping." With the help of a stepper device, humans can travel East or West to undiscovered, unsettled Earths. Each Earth is unique, in major or minor ways: different climates, different landscapes, different forms of life. No one knows how far out the Long Earth goes. Resources are suddenly endless, and pioneers set out to travel tens of thousands of worlds away and rebuild their lives from scratch.

As the story begins we jump back and forth between several characters and time periods - historic episodes of accidental stepping, the ground-breaking Step Day when the Long Earth is first accessed by the masses, and the introduction of key characters. Monica Jansson is a police officer investigating the apparent suicide of the inventor of the Stepper, and Joshua Valiente is an orphan with the hidden ability to step naturally, without a device. Their lives intersect and then continue on, both vital to this strange new world and the challenges it presents.

I was glad to find that Pratchett's humor and witty wordplay remained intact inside the world created by science-fiction writer Baxter. It's a good combination, creating an even and intriguing journey through time and space. The book keeps a steady pace, building tension slowly. As the end drew near I found myself racing through the last few pages, desperate for a conclusion. A few questions were answered while other vital ones were not, and I ranted and raved at the final and extremely inconclusive paragraphs. There had to be more! Rushing to the internet, I was thrilled to find that a sequel entitled The Long War had arrived on shelves less than a month ago. I purchased it today.

The only complaint I have about The Long Earth is the occasional bad language and that one of the major characters is twice hinted to be a lesbian, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with her character or personality. It is only mentioned in passing, as if to say, "oh look, we're being modern and hip by saying she's gay." Nothing in the story so far had anything to do with her sexuality and therefore it was completely pointless to make that sort of observation. So that's annoying, but at least not big enough of a deal to make the story problematic.

A reviewer of The Long Earth called it "a genuinely thoughtful and entertaining exploration of a profoundly changed universe," and I completely agree. If new worlds were found, would I strike out with the brave beginners? I think I would itch with restlessness knowing all that was out there, waiting to be discovered. Pratchett and Baxter have opened up a new world that I hope will be explored for many more pages and by many more adventurers.

Give up and live

"No one enters eternal life without walking away from his sinful desires and picking up his cross and following Christ. A person’s very life depends on it."
- Andree Seu Peterson, WORLD Magazine blog

In this short, impactful article (read it here), Peterson asks "What would you do to live?" She opens with this example: if you have a severe peanut allergy and know that certain death awaits you after peanut consumption, you won't just ignore the consequences and eat them anyway, will you? You might think it's unfair that your body has imposed this limitation on your life, but you will refrain from eating peanut products if you wish to live.

She continues the article by reflecting on "the things God asks us to give up in order to enter the kingdom of heaven." We are all born with sinful tendencies that coax and fight and seduce us away from Christ. These sinful "allergies" are different for everyone but also fit the same mold: something we long for with all our heart that has deadly results. Peterson uses the example of same-sex attraction while clearly pointing out that those struggling with homosexual desires are not unique - "do we not all have to give up something to enter the kingdom of God?"

 It can be the desires of greed, desires of promiscuity, desires of addiction and over-indulgence, desires of fill-in-the-blank. "It's not fair that you have to struggle with this and be denied what you love!" the alluring voices tell us. "So go ahead and enjoy it!" But those seductive voices never include this vital piece of information: "Enjoy it...even though it's going to kill you!"

Every one of us has something we struggle to hold closer to our hearts than God. Peterson concludes the article by drawing from Luke 3, where person after person comes up to John the Baptist and asks "What must we do?" He tells them what they must give up, what lifestyle or earthly pleasure they must sacrifice in order to enter the kingdom of Heaven. But as seen in the story of the rich young ruler (Matthew 19 and Mark 10), not all are willing to give up and live.

What will we give up to live?

Summer Reading: "Paris in Love" + "Divergent" series

Summer reading recap: I set goals for this summer to re-read an old favorite, read a sci-fi/fantasy adventure, a nonfiction memoir, several short stories or poems, the first in a new series and a spiritual growth devotional. Here are my first two installments: a memoir and the first of a new series.

Nonfiction: Paris in Love: A Memoir by Eloisa James

I received a copy of this memoir for my birthday and found it to be a light, quick read. In 2009 James and her family went on sabbatical to spend a year in Paris soaking up the culture, enjoying the food, and experiencing everyday, non-tourist life in a foreign country.

The book is written in short bursts, nearly all the text taken from the Facebook page and blog that James kept during the year abroad. She shares brief glimpses into her children's struggles and triumphs at a foreign school, her experiences shopping and cooking, their family nights out with friends and rainy days spent in watching familiar movies dubbed with unfamiliar voices. It was an enjoyable read but not particularly meaningful or memorable. I didn't realize that James's other books are romance novels, so some of her thoughts/observations veered a bit too close to the sensual side for my liking, but overall it was a pleasant read. A sweet recording of a year in a beautiful city and the chance to grow closer to family while enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

First in a New Series: Divergent and Insurgent by Veronica Roth

Distopian fiction is all the rage right now thanks to The Hunger Games, and the Divergent series leapt to the top of bestseller lists last year. My sister picked up a copy earlier this year and wasn't impressed, but then passed it along to my mom, who quite enjoyed it. A friend of mine told me that she disliked the main character but wanted to know what I thought about it, so I finally picked it up and read the first two installments (last book won't be out until October of this year).

The series takes place in a not-too-distant American society where everyone is divided into factions based on their personalities and skills. Factions are chosen when students turn 16, and each faction is based around a virtue that shapes and controls the members' behavior and occupation. The 5 factions are Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent).

Our heroine, Beatrice, is an Abnegation who chooses to become Dauntless after her faction selection results are inconclusive. Most of the first book follows the Dauntless initiation process as Beatrice (who changes her name to the cooler, edgier "Tris") and a group of other teenagers leap off of buildings, fist-fight with each other, and experiment with tattoos and alcohol. Ok, so Tris doesn't drink, but every other teenager does. I think that's what bothers me the most about this book: the "brave and fearless" group spends most of their times getting tattoos, bullying each other, getting drunk and wearing see-through clothing. True bravery is protecting each other at all cost, laying down your own life, giving up what means the most to you. To me this faction really should have been called Reckless, not Dauntless. Later in the book we do realize that there has been corruption, and that the motives and actions of Dauntless used to be purer, but it still seems to be a society mostly based around cheap thrills.

The other thing that got on my nerves was all the kissing. I have nothing against a good love story, bu seriously, people. I know this is Young Adult Fiction, and teenagers like to be all gooey, but this got a little ridiculous. Once Tris and her true love finally admit they like each other, it's non-stop kissing. "Our lips met," "our lips touched," "our lips brushed," "our lips collided" (ouch!). Let's save the kissing until after the world is saved, kids.

The story really got started once our heroes move on from training into the main plot of "Things are not as they should be! We must save the world!" The entire second book deals with Tris and her friends fighting off the evil overlords and bonding together with members of other factions.

A recurring theme in both books is the use of "fear landscapes" by trainers and enemies to make characters face their worst fears in a virtual reality generator. This really got under my skin, but not in a badly written/implausible plot device way. It bothered me because I started thinking about what my landscape would consist of, and that's not a pleasant thought at all. Praise to Roth for very effective writing there, even though it's something I'd prefer not to consider in reality.

I definitely felt that the story improved as it progressed. There are interesting twists to the story, compelling characters and well-written action scenes. Being the second book in a trilogy it obviously ends on a cliffhanger, and I'll most likely read the third when it arrives in October.*






*The movie version of this book is already in progress, and IMDB reports that Shailene Woodley had been cast as Tris. Having only seen her as a whiny teenager in The Secret Life of the American Teenager and the George Clooney movie The Descendents, I am not that optimistic.

Summer reading goals

I tend to set lofty goals for the summer that almost never fully follow through: goals for traveling, seeing all sorts of friends, crafting, etc. But one that I think will be fairly easy to accomplish is reading. So, here are my reading goals for the summer:

1) re-read an old favorite or something I've read before but don't really remember

2) read a sci-fi/fantasy adventure

3) read a nonfiction memoir

4) read at least 5 short stories from various authors or at least 3 poems each by 5 different authors

5) read the first in a new series

6) read a devotional and/or spiritual growth guide

Goal: to accomplish the above by September 1, and to blog, however briefly, about each book/story read. I just finished a memoir, so I will post about that one shortly.

Book suggestions always welcome!

Happy first day of summer! 

Difficult Simplicity

Last summer I read Kristin Kimball’s memoir The Dirty Life: On Farming, Food, and Love, in which city-girl Kimball marries a farmer and her life changes forever. At that time last year I was in a dead-end job, staring at a computer screen with nothing to do for 40 excruciating hours each week, listening to griping and cussing and yelling and hatefulness every minute of every day.  Nothing sounded more wonderful than to get out and really, truly work. I would rather have been exhausted each day than numb.

Part of me continues to long for that life and part of me doesn’t know if I could handle it. I enjoy gardening but know that on a farming level it would be tiring and often frustrating. I love animals, but there are many disgusting things about taking care of them day in and day out, especially when they are much larger than you are. (Kimball's description of cleaning out a cow’s festering ear wound is pretty horrific.)

The work on a farm is harder than what most people can imagine and the payoff never guaranteed. And while I’m not exactly a city-girl, I would miss many aspects of urban life. It nice to have convenient options when I don't want to cook, plus shopping and entertainment just a few minutes away. But I can also see the pleasure in making a big event of it: planning a whole day around "driving into town" for shopping, dining and a break from the daily routine.

Though the days would be long and dirty and exhausting, I like the thought of quiet evenings with simple, delicious meals. Not worrying about going out or checking work emails or if the internet is fast enough to constantly entertain me. I'd enjoy the daily close-knit quietness and anticipate occasional events of joining together as a community for laughter and celebration. 

Even if it was just for a season, I'd like to try. I'd like to till something. Make my own soap. Wake before the sun and sleep when it sets. Plant. Grow. Harvest. I want to truly enjoy simplicity without constantly worrying about what else I might be missing. 

From the book: We boiled potatoes in their skins in the field, and served them steaming in napkins. We all warmed our chilled fingers on them, popped them open, invested them with quantities of butter and salt. If there is a more perfect way to celebrate the potato's earthy, sustaining essence, I have not discovered it yet.

Indulgence

An excerpt from pastor Tim Challies, who blogs daily here:

In Ephesians 5 Paul says, "But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving." 

...When we laugh at what God calls evil, when we enjoy watching what God says is private, when we speak too crassly or even too frankly about things that are vile, we compromise God's standards. There is to be no filthy talk among us and no crass words. We are not to delight in what God says is evil.

...There are some things that are never to be the topic of conversation among Christians; they are just too evil and to even talk about them is to compromise. Yet sometimes we as Christians enjoy talking about things that are just so evil. We would never do them, but we will read about them and enjoy them in a secondhand way.

Full article here. In that same article, Challies also talks about healthy sexuality within marriage, teaching kids about sex, dealing with sexual sin. He's kinda awesome. I love that he is so honest and straight to the point.

I have blogged before about the harmful way that married sex is portrayed in the media. I have also blogged about the effects that sexual addiction can have on marriage. But honestly, no matter how many times we say these words or condemn it publicly, nothing will be accomplished as long as we keep sneaking home afterward and indulging in whatever form of sexual sin we find least offensive and most enjoyable.

It's easy to forget that indulging with our minds is just as harmful as indulging with our bodies. It can be romance novels or chick flicks full of bedroom scenes. It can be Facebook conversations with old flings or new, attractive friends. It can be laughing at crudely captioned photos or watching videos that, if censored, would be nothing but one long bleep and a big black bar across the screen. It can be almost anything.

It's so easy to indulge. To convince ourselves that it doesn't really matter, not in the grand scheme of things. What's a few R-rated comedies or images online? I have watched things and read things and participated because it's popular and cool, even though I know full well that it's just depravity disguised as pleasure.

"Every thought captive" is a concept we throw around as if it should be easy. It's not. I haven't accomplished it. I know it's not possibly without constant reliance on God, and I stray from Him far too easily. 

In a new article just posted today, Challies writes:
Pornography desecrates the one thing in all of creation that God values above all; pornography makes a mockery of that great portrait God has given us of Christ's faithful, compassionate love.

He also asks the question: "do you love it enough to go to hell for it?" 

That question can be replaced with whatever it is that captivates our attention, our imagination, our passion: "Do you love __________ enough to go to hell for it?"

God gave us passionate souls. He meant for us to love fully, deeply and with all that we have. But He also gave us instructions on what to love. Our love and passion is not meant to focus on just anything that brings us momentary pleasure.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...think about such things." - Philippians 4:8

Think about such things.