Monday, September 23, 2013

Good weekend and thoughts on a well-watered garden

This weekend was lovely. Friday was rainy, which made for a productive/relaxing day at home for me. That night Matt and I went to a musical, a great production of Bonnie and Clyde: a New Musical put on by the talented kids at McCallum Fine Arts Academy.

Saturday dawned bright, cool and beautiful. I had brunch with a friend, then Matt and I ran some errands and enjoyed the cool weather. In the afternoon Matt watched college football while I worked on a project. I may not know what a forward pass incomplete offside tackle is, but I enjoy it when we can be in the same room, doing different things, but still attentive to each other and enjoying each others company. We cooked dinner together that night and enjoyed the cool weather AGAIN with a walk around our neighborhood. Sunday evening we experimented in the kitchen making homemade onion rings and fried stuffed jalapenos. Not healthy in the least, but oh so good. Mondays are for healthy food. :-)

We've had fun cooking together on the weekends lately...a couple of weeks ago we grilled some peaches brushed with a fruity balsamic glaze. Yum.

Weekends like that bring me joy, plain and simple.
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In other news, our small group is going through a marriage-strengthening curriculum this fall. One of the chapter 1 assignments was to read the verse below and ponder any possible implications on our lives/marriages.

Isaiah 58:11
The LORD will guide you always;
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I immediately thought of my own backyard garden. While most of my plants do well getting watered every 2-3 days, there is one pepper plant that is extremely needy and droops at the slightest hint of dryness. Nearly every day I look out the window and see the leaves curling in on themselves, stem curving down toward the earth like it has nothing left to live for in this cruel, cruel world. It always perks back up as soon as I rush out to give it some water, but I doubt that little plant is very healthy.

While the pepper plant is definitely still alive and even producing peppers, know this up-and-down cycle isn't promoting strong growth. I'm sure the pepper would thrive and produce bigger, tastier produce if it could receive a steady supply of water at regular intervals during the day.

Many aspects of my life/marriage can relate to that pepper right now. Round and round and round we go, an endless cycle of up and down, distress and delight. I long for that cycle to transform into a strong time of consistent growth, a time that strengthens us and helps us withstand the times of drought. I want to have roots that are deep, reaching for water even when it seems scarce. My roots often feel weak, and I bend and droop during hardship instead of growing stronger though His care.

God promises that He will take care of us, if we will only trust Him. He will make us like a well-watered garden, sustained by a steady, constant flow from His endless spring. Isn't that an amazing promise? No matter how sun-scorched the land may be around me, I want my marriage to be well-watered and deeply rooted. God has promised it, and I trust Him.





Monday, September 9, 2013

Cry

I clicked on a Pinterest recipe last night and the link led to porn.

I immediately hit the home button, clearing the screen, and threw my e-reader tablet away from me and onto the floor. I got up, trembling, needing to physically move away from that place. Matt looked up from his computer game. I told him and tried to push past into the other room, but he grabbed me and held me and I cried.

It had been one of those days where I'd been on the verge of tears all day but had managed to keep it together. I kept it together through church, some work frustrations, an emotional small group meeting, money problems, etc. Sometimes on days like that I'll watch a sad movie or something that allows me to cry without anyone knowing the real cause. Sometimes the day will end with the heavy ache still present, no tears shed. But yesterday the tears flowed for a real reason and combined with tears for other reasons that had been held back all day.

I calmed down and he let me go and I went to the other room and cried again. Tears of fear, heartbreak, weariness. Tears of not knowing what's next, not knowing how to surpass an obstacle, not knowing peace. Tears at knowing something and being unable to say it. Just tears. 

That was probably the worst imaginable trigger to actually get me crying, but it brought relief to cry. To just cry and cry and cry.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Summer Reading: Old Favorite, Poetry, Devotional

Summer reading recap: I set goals to  read
-  an old favorite
a sci-fi/fantasy adventure
- a nonfiction memoir
- several short stories or poems
- the first in a new series
- a spiritual growth devotional

September 1 was my deadline. I didn't meet every goal on the list, but I at least started/partially completed each item. So here's a summary of the final 3 items on the list.

Old Favorite: The Illyrian Adventure (Vesper Holly #1) by Lloyd Alexander

Technically I read this before my summer goals were set, but it is an old favorite that I recently read, so I decided to include it. (Especially since nothing else I read this summer could actually count toward this goal.)

So. Vesper Holly. A wealthy, red-haired, fiery-spirited, orphaned teenager in the late 1800's. An adventurer who travels the world with Brinnie, her middle-aged, cautious and dearly devoted guardian (our narrator). The high-energy adventures of Vesper were some of my favorites as a young girl, and re-reading them this spring proved they are still fun, hilarious, fast-paced and well-written escapades. Lloyd Alexander wrote dozens of children's books during his life, and while the Chronicles of Prydain are his most famous works, Vesper Holly has always been my favorite.

When I first read Vesper 14+ years ago, I sprinted through the first 4 books only to find that #5 was temporarily out of print. I wrote a letter directly to the author spouting my praise and inquiring if the next adventure would soon be available. And Lloyd Alexander himself wrote back! A personal, typewriter-typed note came in the mail thanking me for my letter and ensuring me that the next story was being re-issued in a new paperback edition and would soon be available. A personalized, signed photograph was also included. I still have both, and it still makes me deliriously happy that he took the time to reply to a young reader's request.

Poems: Emily Dickinson and Robert Frost

One night a few months ago my husband and I pulled this "stay-at-home date idea" out of a jar: read poetry to each other. So I ransacked the shelves for various collections and we flipped through them for over an hour. He stuck mostly to Robert Frost and I had Emily Dickinson. I don't remember all the poems we read, but here's a few snippets.






I started early, took my dog,
And visited the sea;
The mermaids in the basement
Came out to look at me,

And frigates in the upper floor
Extended hempen hands,
Presuming me to be a mouse
Aground, upon the sands.

           - Emily Dickinson, Complete Poems (Part Two: Nature)

The above is just a partial poem, but gives a good idea of Dickinson's lovely imagination. She lived in seclusion for much of her life but wrote poem after poem about the outdoors, traveling, and natural delights. I have always loved her descriptions, her emotions, her raw honesty. Many of her poems also dealt with religion, belief and spiritual ideas. The one below jumped out at me.

I died for beauty, but was scarce
Adjusted in the tomb,
When one who died for truth was lain
In an adjoining room.

He questioned softly why I failed?
"For beauty," I replied. 
"And I for truth, - the two are one;
We brethren are," he said.

And so, as kinsmen met at night,
We talked between the rooms,
Until the moss had reached our lips,
And covered up our names.

          - Emily Dickinson, Complete Poems (Part Four: Time and Eternity)

 Most of my favorite Frost poems are about nature as well, but his topics are often farm/rural life, seasons and childhood memories as opposed to Dickinson's romanticized nature. Frost had a rather tragic life, but still found beauty - and sometimes humor - in simple things. The poem below is one that Matt found and read: reflections on school and the life-long process of learning.






When I was young my teachers were the old.
I gave up fire for form till I was cold.
I suffered like a metal being cast.
I went to school to age to learn the past.

Now when I am old my teachers are the young.
What can't be molded must be cracked and sprung.
I strain at lessons fit to start a suture.
I go to school to youth to learn the future.

           - Robert Frost, "What Fifty Said"


Spiritual Growth Devotional: A Place of Quiet Rest by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I haven't made much progress in this devotional yet, but I am doing my best to stick with it. A Place of Quiet Rest is a guide to help women start and maintain daily quiet time. This is something I have long neglected. I've tried many times: beginning with good intentions, picking out books and planning to get up early, but good intentions are forgotten, fizzle, and fade. Last week I managed to get up early all 5 mornings and spend time reading before my day took off. This week hasn't been as good. But if I don't read it in the mornings, I try to make time later in the day to catch up.

DeMoss maintains a steady tone throughout the book, laying out strong Biblical teachings while expanding and personalizing them with real-life experiences and scenarios. Longer chapters are broken into sections that can be read over several days, and each chapter ends with discussion/reflection questions. Since I'm doing it alone, I journal my answers and keep track of any thoughts I have while reading. I could see it working very well as a group study, with each participant sharing thoughts, struggles and insights.

I'm on chapter 4 out of 12, so my new goal is to finish this book by the end of the year!

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So there you have it. A summer of reading. There were other books that I read in-between that didn't count toward the goals. I am constantly reading, and my overarching goal for this summer plan was to diversify, to dip into several genres instead of sticking to one. It could have easily been an all sci-fi/fantasy summer, or an all memoir summer. Overall I am satisfied with the results.

What did you read this summer?



Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The fragile courtesy

Faith is more than a fire. Sometimes it is embers. Sometimes the night is so dark and so long that the quiet glow of three coals is all you have in the corner of a room that feels like a cage. 
- Jon Acuff, It's Not All Fire

Jon Acuff, author of the long-running and incredibly insightful website Stuff Christians Like, posted that today in an article about faith. And it resonated with me.

Not just about faith, but about marriage, too.

Marriage does not always burn bright and cheerful. Sometimes it is cold, grey and lifeless. There are long nights of anger and silent days of resentment and bitterness. There are fights that strip every ounce of hope from the air and leave both parties gasping and broken. Sometimes even reconciliation is only a fragile courtesy, a delicate balance of insincerity eager to break down.

I feel stuck in that fragile courtesy right now. A tight rope walker high in the sky, holding onto the gleaming pole of "we're alright" so tightly that it crumples, revealing the shocking truth that what I thought was silver was aluminum foil all along. There are safety nets below, and I've fallen into them before, but it's a comfort that's temporary. Once I tumble out of the net there's the long climb back up to the wire. On the way up there's the advice of books, sites, friends, family, counselors. It's easy to smile and nod and say "We're good. We're great. I got this!" but fear still grips my heart as I reach the top. The fear of stepping out onto a wire that's frayed and weak. Or worse, reaching the top and realizing the wire had been cut long ago, leaving nothing between me and the distant figure waiting on the other end.

"We gotta know it'll last, it'll last a lifetime...." (Seabird) 

But how?